As a little girl, I was taught that it was up to me to decide if I wanted to know God and be on His good side. I did my best to achieve my value in His eyes, even though I sensed that God’s love was much bigger than what I was being taught. I was adopted into a Christian home with very conservative values and two parents who were emotionally and spiritually unhealthy. I clung to my church community and the friends and families where I felt a sense of belonging. This sustained me and gave me a sense of order and control over my life for quite a while.

In many ways, this stage of my life reflects what I now understand as the “Order” phase in spiritual growth, as referenced in writings by Father Richard Rohr on spiritual transformation. At this first stage, we feel innocent and safe; everything seems basically good, and we live within a "first naïveté," avoiding confusion, conflict, and suffering. However, life soon led me into “Disorder”. My parents eventually divorced, and this began a season of disorder in my faith and my understanding of how God worked and responded. I had to wrestle with belief, prayer, and control, and come to new ways of accepting what faith looked like for me.

As I married and raised a family within the same Christian context, I did my best to adhere to the standards I thought were “good” and “right.” Yet again, disorder was forced upon me in midlife. My sense of value and identity was in transition, my marriage began to show areas that needed attention, and my children embarked on their own unique journeys, some very different from what I had imagined. This season, filled with disruption and uncertainty, propelled me further into the “Disorder” stage. It was a necessary time of growth, breaking down my former beliefs and leading me to deeper questions and new understandings.